31/1/10
I'M HALF WAY TO 19 TODAY!!! Why the hell is that so f'ing terrifying? I take it back, 19 doesn't scare me; knowing that I'm only a year and a half from 20 does. TWENTY!!! THAT'S SO OLD! It's funny because for my entire adolescence, the only thing I wanted was to be 23 and on my own, with a job, apartment, rent, the works. It's scary though! The beauty of this year is that despite the stress, the fear, the highs, the lows, the change, the bliss, it's wholly my life. I love not being tied down by structure, it was one of the reasons I decided to do Year Course in the first place. When I go back home, I'm going to have to make decisions about my life that I'm terrified to make, I'm going to have to deal with heaps of issues I've turned my back on for nine months, and I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I can't just get up and fly 10,000 miles away from my life when I want to. Even knowing I still have four more months to enjoy, I can feel the butterflies creeping up in my stomach about the return home. What if I'm so different now that I can't readjust? It's been a problem for past Year Coursers, what if it kills me too? Where do I belong after college? I came on this trip thinking about Aliyah, and while I don't think that path is right for me right now, I don't know if I belong in America either. The world is HUGE! Where else could I belong? These are the things that keep me up at night. Not the stupid things that irritate me during the day, not my classes, not drama, just large, unexplainable thoughts and worries. That's how I've always been though, so it doesn't surprise me that my minds been busier than ever throughout this journey. People reading this are going to yell at me for thinking I'm old, but I beg you, bear with me!
As for today, I made incredible ethiopian clay candle sticks at work today, and added Marva penguin to the penguin troop. Lizzy may be stealing him though... Went food shopping for the week and bought a ridiculous amount of food, but I can't complain, a full fridge makes anyone happy. =D Our teacher for our Zionism and the Arts class is in South Africa right now, so we had a sub, but it was still fun. We analyzed our midterm projects (see earlier post for description), and a friend's brother came to talk about the history of Henna. I got an amazing Indian design on my hand. I LOVE IT! The night was perfect. Ate dinner, laughed with my roomie, did abs (go me!), watched Hercules, studied Hebrew, listened to Renee Flemming and Bryn Terfel, and felt utterly content with life. =D Even having to wash all the dishes people didn't do didn't bother me. I've found the perfect remedy! All I have to do is listen to "A Spoonful of Sugar" and suddenly, doing dishes is actually entertaining. Way to go Julie Andrews!
All my Love,
Rachel
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Where are all the people who should be commenting on your marvelous blogs? People, are you out there? Remember that the huge things that are keeping you up at night are in a constant state of flux, and what you are concerned about today will either work itself out, or morph into some other huge thing. As John Lennon said, life is what happens when we're busy making other plans. That said, you are you and this IS your process.
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