Why do I have to title all of these things?

I can't believe I haven't blogged in weeks! Basically, I've tried about 50 times, but every time I start, I get distracted, say I'll finish it tomorrow, and by the time I get around to it again, everything I'd written before needs to be re-written and deleted. This time, hopefully, I'll be able to get through and actually talk about what's going on here without getting to away from myself.

We only have 25 more days left in Arad! In some ways, I am very excited and in some ways, that's ridiculous. I'm dying to leave Arad for the more interesting, busy life in J-ru, but at the same time, knowing that my 3-month mark is coming up is slightly scary. That means Year Course is almost 1/3 of the way over! Time flew like crazy! I feel a little guilty that a part of me is happy that I'm that much closer to seeing everyone, but at the same time, I feel very accomplished. This is the longest I've ever been away from home and I'm really loving it! I have great friends, I'm having fun, I'm on my own, it's a really really incredible thing. Still can't wait to see everyone in June, but at least now I'm not counting down all the way through! ;)

What has happened since I left Marva...

I'm now volunteering at Abir's Ranch just outside of Arad and I LOVE IT! I'm working with horses, chickens, and other lovely farm critters, planting, plowing, moving hay bales, the works. In a sad way, it's like "farmville" real world! In all seriousness though, I really do love it. It's nice to be exhausted at the end of the day because I actually did something instead of just being tired from sitting around all the time. Today, I did a "horse car wash" where we hosed and soaped all the horses and got soaked and had a blast! It was great.

Last week, a small group of us went up to the Rabin Peace Rally in memory of Yitzak Rabin's assassination. For those who don't know, Rabin was a prime minister of Israel who was shot by a radical Israeli in 1995, publicizing the conflicting views within Israel. It was the equivalent to JFK's assassination (at least in the affect it had on the people), and it's now remembered every year on November 4th as a move towards peace and stability in this troubled land. Unfortunately for us, much of the inspiration was lost in out inability to speak hebrew, but the music brought everything together. At 10:00 when everyone in Rabin square started singing Shir La Shalom, you felt the history of a people scoop you up and carry you back through years of struggle for a Jewish Nation. Even with little language understanding, I was so moved by how connected I felt to every stranger in that square. Looking around during Hatikvah, I was not at all surprised at the lack of dry eyes. It was a beautiful night.

I think that's all for now folks! Life is pretty relaxed right now, but I'll try to update more often anyways.

Love you all!

Rachel

The Hardest Realizations Come at a Price, but Give you the World

This post is coming to you much earlier than I could have ever anticipated, from the mind of a girl I never knew existed. Two days ago, I decided to end Marva. I know it was only four days into the program, but my reasons are far from minor complaints about physical strain or frustration with orders. Two days ago I shot a gun for the first time after 18 years of promising myself I would never touch any version of the destructive object. Nevertheless, at 3pm, I found myself lying on the ground aiming an M-16 at a Arab soldier cutout. I don't think I've ever been more terrified of myself. We had 15 bullets to fire at the cutouts' heads. At the ominous order of "Esh!" ("fire!") I pulled the trigger. The first bullet rocketed through the air and hit the cutout on the neck. At that moment, my world changed. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, I couldn't see, couldn't think. All I knew was that I wanted the rest of the magazine out of the gun as quickly as possible. I fired aimlessly not caring where the rest of the bullets fell as fast as I could, then dropped the weapon. When I looked down, I could see my elbows nestled in a pile of shells, each staring at me, reminding me that what left them, left to take a human life. Under my earphones, I could hear the blurry orders of the Mefakedet Mem-Mem telling us to sit up and leave the shooting range. My friend told me to get up when I didn't stir, and I walked mindlessly out of the building and into the desert of Sde Boker. At the sound of the next group of shooters, I broke. Tears fell for 8 hours after that. Tears for the impact of what I had done, tears for what would have happened had the soldiers been real, tears for hypocrisy of me wearing an army uniform, tears for the promise I had broken. My Mefakedet carried my M-16 back to the base, as I couldn't keep from wanting to hurl at the sight of it. I knew I could never finish Marva after that. I could keep up physically, I could follow orders, I could deal with the food and the lack of sleep, but I would never feel comfortable morally on a military base ever again. Reading this, I realize these feelings may sound overly dramatic to many, but from my perspective, I don't see how they could possibly be any less insane than the excited cheers from many of my Tzevet (unit) members as they happily fired away in ecstasy. Who could ever be happy with the idea of using a machine whose only purpose of use and invention is to take lives?

That said, I am now back in Arad with an entirely new understanding of myself and about how hard it must be to be an Israeli my age. While I was waiting to go home, I talked with a Mefakedet (commander) about why I was choosing to leave. She told me she was the exact same way when she entered the army, but in her case, she didn't have the option to leave (for those who don't know, military service in Israel is mandatory). She told me that when she received her gun, and had to sleep with it under her pillow, she cried almost every night. Having been a "hippie" as she called it, the idea of serving in an army was unthinkable. The difference between us? As time went on, she realized that without the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces), there would be no Israel, which would be unthinkable considering what history has done to the Jewish people. For a moment, I paused and thought that maybe I was making the wrong decision by leaving. I knew she was right, after all. Israel would crumble within days if the entire army disappeared, and while in a dangerous situation, the arms of the Israeli army are only used to protect, never to act offensively. Then I realized, however, that there were other ways to serve this beautiful country I love so much. While the IDF is undeniably important to Israel's survival, so are volunteers! Teachers, doctors, everyday people also make Israel what it is and they keep it thriving. Not everyone is suited for the army, and that's okay because if everyone had the same personality, the world would be a miserable place. On the other hand, if everyone had the same personality, there might be no need for war...hmm... At any rate, I'm okay with being different and understanding myself well enough to know that it's not worth it for me to sacrifice my morals to complete a program I'm not enthusiastic about (even though I had previously convinced myself that I was).

Even though I was only there for four days, Marva taught me so much about myself and about Israel. I know I probably could have learned more, but I also feel that by being back in Arad, I can contribute to Israeli society in an even bigger way by bettering one of its most important developing cities. My homesickness is dissipating, I made the right decision, and I am more determined and motivated than ever. YES!

Volume Arad and a lot of Time to Contemplate

This will be my last post for the next two to three weeks, as I will be starting my basic army training (Marva) this Monday!!!!!!!! More about that later though...

Last Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Arad played host to a historical cultural event! After 12 years, Volume Arad (aka The Arad Festival), the biggest music festival in Israel returned. First, some history: The Arad Festival has been a staple of Israeli cultural society for decades. It combines food, festivity, and music, and brings together the greatest bands in Israel for three days of concerts and celebrations. Unfortunately, 12 years ago, the concert got out of hand when three teenagers were trampled to death in a stampede to see the famous band, Meshina. Since then, funding for the festival was cut and for 12 years, the famous festival streets lay silent...BUT THIS YEAR IT RETURNED!!! This week, the usually quite and quaint streets of Arad were filled with people from all over the world, and music filled the air for 36 hours!

Admittedly, some of the hype turned out to be, well, hype, and we were disappointed for the first day or so, but once things got going, it was amazing! The last night was Woodstock reincarnated. Almost ever Year Courser went to a concert called Made in Israel and embraced the spirit of the night with singing and dancing and mayhem. It was a truly incredible.

After the festival, our Madrichim took us on an overnight camping trip in the desert culminating in a relaxing day on the beach. I loved it! It was the perfect way for everyone to be together before all the Marva kids head off to base. At the same time, it was a tad bittersweet. Even though I'm still making friends, it still feels strange to know that we're not spending the rest of this semester with the rest of Section 3. On the other hand, saying goodbye was also a little relieving, at least for me, because I'm hoping that Marva will give me a chance to become much closer to a small group of people, rather than feeling lost in the crowd.

After a long, late night conversation last night, I've come to a realization which I think will get me through this year with a lot more comfort and a lot less anxiety. Every past Year-Courser says that Year Course is the most incredible year of your life. Regardless of whether or not that's true, the fact is that it's a year of LIFE. Going on a summer program, or going on a study abroad program, while enlightening and fun, is not LIFE. At orientation, the director of Year Course told us that we were not on a study abroad program, we were in an Israeli immersion program. While I understood what he meant, I don't think the implications of it hit me until last night. For the first time since we arrived here, I don't feel the need to have a good time all the time because life isn't like that. Back home, there were great days and miserable days, people I loved and people I avoided, things I enjoyed and things that bored me, and times of elation and times of depression. I know now that it's okay for Year Course to be the same thing, and in fact, it SHOULD be the same thing. In my disillusionment, I came on Year Course expecting the excitement and constant joy and energy of my previous summer experience. Now, I know that that was ridiculous to expect! While seeming slightly obvious, this revelation has changed my opinion of Year Course and helped my general emotional turmoil so much. I can only hope that with this new knowledge, I can go forth into the rest of Year Course with a much more open and relaxed mind. I think I'm going to be okay.

The Many Uses of Duct Tape...

1. Clean the sofa

2. Hang posters

3. Block toilet pipe leaks

4. Make funny mustaches on roommate's twilight poster...

5. Fix broken squeegee

6. Safely position incense 

7. Hold lap-top charger together

8. Keep window open

9. Label bags

10. Make make-shift bandages (with toilet paper)

11. Keep bags closed

12. Decorate wall (with the bright pink tape, of course)

13. Fix broken cutlery 

14. Keep the outlet covers on the walls...

15. Tape roommate to bed while sleeping

This is only in one month... 

My goal is to have 100 uses by the end of Year Course. =D